Lessons in Gratitude

By:  Jennifer Winkelmann, MA, LPC, NCC

(copyright 2009)

Children adopted at older ages frequently have more difficulty with building and maintaining relationships, even with people who should feel “safe” to them, like their adoptive parents. For those who have children that were adopted at older ages (caveat here: while there isn’t agreement in the adoption community about the age at which a child is identified as “older”, for the purposes of this article, “older” refers to any child out of infancy and beginning to acquire verbal skills), many would agree that there can be unique and unexpected challenges with parenting. During consultation with these families, I have often heard parents lament:

• “This isn’t what we signed up for, so what are we going to do? We can’t live like this!”

• “After everything we went through to make this adoption happen, how can it turn out like this? Our family is falling apart!”

• “Our child came from abuse/poverty/neglect… Our home is a better and safer place for her to grow up. Why can’t she just appreciate it?”

• “I have given so much love to our son, and things are so much better for him with us. How could he not be grateful? He has everything… a new room, clothes, food to eat, a good school…”

While I can understand these questions from the parents’ perspective, what it leaves to be desired is an understanding of the child’s lens for relationships, love, and family.

The way we (including our children) view life is through the “lenses” provided to us in our first relationships; the experiences that shade or tint the lenses of our children often lead them to “see” differently than we do. Their sense of trust has often been fractured so early and profoundly that they can be haunted with fear of loss and abandonment in every subsequent relationship. Love and family are things to be feared, because prior experience has taught these children that they will be hurt, abandoned, or rejected in these contexts. Breaches of trust like these, during critical windows of development, cause high levels of stress in the child on an on-going basis. This heightened stress can result in challenging behavior that parents and caregivers may experience as disturbing, including: withdrawal, poor self-esteem, cutting/head-banging/rocking, aggression toward others (family members, teachers, peers, siblings, etc), disrespect, defiance…the list goes on and on.

When these behaviors are present, in the height of their frustration, parents ask: “Why, after everything, can’t he/she just be grateful?”

Three-year-old Katie lived in an institution overseas for the first two years of her life. The ratio of nannies to children was less than ideal (though typical), so it’d be wise for her parents to assume no matter how much growth and improvement that they see, that Katie has at least two years ahead of her where she’ll need to learn about this new kind of relationship. She’ll need time to learn that “family” means “forever” and parents are consistent, stable, and nurturing. Because the neural pathways in every human brain that make healthy connections about relationships are “use dependent” (meaning that they have to be used over and over to make strong connections), Katie will need lots of time and repetition for her brain to pave new pathways for relationship. Not only will her parents have to provide enough repetition in relationship to begin to combat the old pathways, but they’ll have to provide enough to begin to pave new ones as well! A good rule of thumb for parents is to expect that for every year a child spends under stress, enduring abuse, neglect, or change, he/she will need a corresponding year of nurturing and consistency to heal. (Many children respond to the environments provided by their parents much more quickly than this little formula, but it helps us to prepare for the work involved and adjust our expectations appropriately.)

Ten-year-old Ty, who has lived in a chaotic home with his birth family, all gang members and substance abusers or dealers, will struggle to accept a new construct for “Mom” and “Dad” when he is finally placed in an adoptive home. See, after years of violence, neglect, and intimidation, Ty’s family was investigated by DHS for the first time after his younger sister made a passing comment about her father and a firearm to her teacher. When Ty was removed following the investigation, the caseworker couldn’t find a family willing to take a sibling group of five, so all the children were split. And after all, since older children can be “more challenging to place” (as “the System” so gently puts it), Ty will have had a handful of foster care placements before he’s done being bounced around. And even then – he will likely struggle to believe that there is any security with this new “family”… he will have no construct of experience to identify “family” as “forever”. On top of that, he will be grieving not just the loss of his parents and extended family, but separation from his birth siblings as well, even if efforts are made to maintain their relationship by their respective adoptive parents.

Katie won’t feel grateful for finally getting the things every child is supposed to get from the beginning. Her little system is at a disadvantage for responding to new relationships in the ways that adults would deem normal or appropriate, because are too many gaps to fill in before she’s able to function in ways that are easier for her parents to understand.

Ty has ten years with his birth family, and no matter how much he may be relieved by the safety and predictability of his new home, he will struggle to understand the way that this family works. He’s used to his parents having strangers coming and going at all hours of the night, chaos, violence, and general unpredictability. The new “family” is not one he can understand – yet. And his confusion will be easy to see if we try to look at the world through Ty’s lenses, instead of our own.

If you have an older adopted child, you must understand: Especially for older children, the actual process of adoption can be experienced by the child as something else in their lives beyond their control… and in some ways, it can be similar to the abuse, neglect, and trauma they have experienced – which was also beyond their control. Somehow, they are expected to adjust, assimilate, and accept, without anyone seeking to understand them first. The day that you gain a new member of your family is also a day of tremendous loss and change for them.

As adults, we may know that children thrive in environments where they are nutritionally nourished, psychologically stimulated, and relationally valued. But just because this is best for children doesn’t make the transition into this kind of life easy for them. In fact, the expectation that the child should transition seamlessly and “appreciate” what they are being given in and adoptive family makes the sting of those parental expectations even bigger. Why should a child have to be grateful for something that every human being should be afforded? How can we be angry when kids display behaviors consistent with their upbringing until the time that they come into our homes? They are only responding to the world in the ways that their brains have been shaped to respond. A process of re-wiring so that the child is able to respond differently must be intentional, compassionate, and patient. The years, months, days, hours, minutes, or seconds of abuse and neglect is a lifetime for a child. And this trauma is not always easily undone after a few months - or even years - in a nurturing environment. Just because our children may not have received attuned, loving, safe parents from the beginning does not translate to their need to be grateful when they finally do receive it through you.

And so, we circle back again – why don’t they feel grateful? Because they shouldn’t have to appreciate the respect, love, compassion, and security afforded that should be afforded to every youngster. If anyone should experience gratitude, it is us… If these children open up to us even a little, after the terrors they have survived, it’s they who are taking another chance on adults. We may invest more than we ever expected in trying to build that relationship, but they bear the brunt of the risk associated with accepting it because of the days before us. When a child is able, after such difficulties and profound pain, to take another chance on humanity, we should feel grateful - because we receive something from them that the other “big people” in their lives haven’t earned.

TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT ADOPTION

By:  Jennifer Winkelmann, MA, LPC, NCC

(published in the CCAI Newsletter, November, 2007)

Many parents struggle with how and when to talk to their children about being adopted.  My experience with adoptive parents is that the topic often brings up feelings of anxiety.  Parents wonder, “What will I say?  What should I say?  And what if my child asks questions that I can’t answer?”  They worry that the adoption story, and all of the circumstances around it, will be too much for their child to handle emotionally.  Many adoptive parents struggle with what information is appropriate share, and at what age. 

Because talking to your child about her/his adoption is an important part of their development, I’m suggesting some basic guidelines:

1. Start talking about adoption as early as possible.  It is helpful for parents to begin talking about adoption right away, even while the child is still young and before expressive language is developed (this can even happen in infancy).  These early one-sided discussions give parents the opportunity to practice having these words in their mouths before they are telling the story “for real” in conversation with their child(ren) (i.e. as you’re holding your son or daughter, whispering, “I know you must be so confused, little one, because joining our family isn’t something you can make sense of right now.  You must have been so afraid the day that your birth mom left you, and I wonder if you worry the same thing may happen with me.  But I won’t leave you!  We adopted you, and that means you’ll be in our family forever!”)  Your little one will get a lot out of what you say about their adoption, even before they’re able to understand the language you use (remember, the majority of communication is non-verbal).  A bonus to early practice with the story is that parents are better equipped for 2-way conversations with their child about their early history and adoption.  As opportunities to talk about adoption arise, even with a baby, take advantage of these times to “practice” sharing what you know about your child’s story with him/her.

2. Be open and always tell the truth.  While many children are too young at the time of adoption to consciously remember their histories in China, we need to understand that he/she still lived all of their experiences (and they are stored at a deeper level of memory).  Your children know, embedded deep in their systems, the truth about their lives.  So whatever you know, share it with sensitivity, choosing your words to match your child’s developmental age.  Don’t try to shelter or hide your child from the truth of his/her experience; parents who take this approach often find that, down the road, their child feels “lied to.”  The rifts that may result carry far greater risk for psychological injury than the truth of his/ her history.  The key to talking about a difficult past is being prepared to support your child through any tough feelings that may show up. 

Dr. Dan Hughes describes it this way:  “We do not facilitate safety when we support a child's avoidance of the pain, but rather when we remain emotionally present when he is addressing and experiencing the pain."  Being open and truthful about your child’s history is one of the best ways to help them heal, even if the information has the potential to be distressing.

Also, be aware that if you withhold information about your child’s story, he/she may get the non-verbal message that there is something about which he/she should be ashamed.  Many adopted children wrestle with intrinsic feelings of shame anyway, so it is important to be very aware of and intentional about acceptance.  At the core of their being, particularly when they are very young and just beginning to make sense of their adoption, many children believe that their separation from their birth parents was their “fault.”  They are too ego-centric to consider all of the other factors that may have gone into this early loss.  It’s essential, therefore, when discussing the adoption story, to be sure that we demonstrate acceptance and openness to combat potential feelings of shame.

3. Be aware of the trickle-down effect.  Many parents are intimidated by conversations about their child’s early history because the topic is also emotionally loaded for them.  Moms and Dads have shared their underlying feelings of sadness and helplessness about what their child may have experienced before “coming home.”  So, if you experience stress as you imagine talking with your daughter or son about their adoption, know that those feelings will come through in your communication.  If you are aware of how you feel and work through it, you are less likely to impose your feelings on your child.

Adopted children have a range of reactions to their adoption story; it’s important that children have authentic reactionary experiences about their adoption story so that we are able to take cues about where they may need additional emotional support.  The range of reactions can be from a matter-of-fact perspective, to a mild curiosity about their life (in China), to desperate feelings to know his or her birth parents combined with feelings of confusion, sadness, and shame.  Those children whose story has been a part of their life all along (i.e parents talk about adoption from the very beginning) tend to fare better than those whose parents sit them down for “the talk.”  It is important that you are emotionally available to your child when discussing the story.  If you are consumed with your own feelings of anxiety, you may miss some of the cues your child sends about what your child needs from you as he/she integrates and heals from these experiences.

4. Don’t make them choose.  It can be scary for many adoptive parents to feel like their child has an interest in his/her birth parents.  Some children have no conscious memory of their birth parents but express feelings of missing them, or loving them.  This can be threatening to many forever parents (after all, sometimes part of the draw to international adoption is to avoid the legal risk associated with birth parents, right?).  It’s important, however, to allow your child to express and explore any feelings that they may have about their birth parents.  If your child experiences an openness and acceptance from you on the topic, he/she will be better able to process all of this information and it will build your relationship.   Just as there is enough love in you for all of your children and those that may still join your family, there is enough love in the heart of your child to have love for the parents who gave life and the parents who give him/her a forever family. 

5. Find a “Sounding Board.”  If you are nervous about how to approach these sensitive issues with your child, if you need to brainstorm, or if you need some support as you work through your own feelings associated with your child’s history, call Inward Bound (www.InwardBoundCo.com) for a consultation.  Tap into other resources as well – talk to other adoptive parents, take advantage of mentoring programs, and speak candidly with your social worker.  You don’t have to be alone in this challenging season of parenthood.  Give yourself the gift of consulting with someone who understands the heart of adoption issues.  As your fears are eased, you’re in a better position to provide your daughters and sons with the support they need. 

THE EFFECTIVE CORRECTIVE, ATTACHMENT THERAPIST